Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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