i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
