Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
