the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
