don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
