those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I need to align my fucking chakras
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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