I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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