And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
