He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
