ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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