look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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