How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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