No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
