wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
