So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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