just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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