Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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