you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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