Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
