i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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