So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
