I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
