And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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