last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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