im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
