I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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