i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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