Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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