I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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