Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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