We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
