If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
