I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The best revenge is premature balding
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
