life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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