Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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