My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
