Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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