After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
