i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
