Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
