I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
