Can i not drive my cunt home
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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