After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There r osticjed everywhere
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
