There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
accomplished twins. life is a go
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
