fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
