how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
