Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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