1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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