In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
