It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
