so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
