you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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