She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
A bitchslap is in order.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
