new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize