Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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