i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
