Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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