I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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