speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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