I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
